14 Weeks 2 Days: Otters Are Not For Eating

I'm the kind of guy who will try the meat of any animal: gator, snake, ostrich, bear, opossum. I don't think I could eat Otter though. Denis Leary is right (must be why he's a doctor), we won't eat the cute animals. Though I guess I'd eat cat and most people think they're cute. When I look at a cat I see a flaming hell spawn, but that's just me.

At any rate. We went to the Oregon Coast Aquarium last weekend and it was rather enjoyable. It only took us about an hour to get through the entire place but I bet if we had a kid in tow it would probably have taken longer (if you don't tug on it's leash too much). I mean, an hour was worth it, but adding in the 3 hour drive each way, it could have been a little more. The Oddwater exhibit didn't really have that many "odd" sea creatures. There were a lot of regular fish and jelly fish and that kind of junk. I classify those things as fairly normal. All in all, a decent place to take your kid. Once they are old enough to be fascinated by touching the sharks and sea urchins and giggling at the silly otters.

And you are not going to see a video of a wacky otter because blogger won't upload it... Ah, technology at it's finest. this is the best I can do:

13 Weeks 4 Days: Top Pregnancy Movies

TOP TEN PREGNANCY MOVIES:

1. Nine Months: This is the classic, 'go-to' pregnancy movie. Hugh Grant plays a guy who is afraid of commitment who finds out his girlfriend is pregnant. And comedy ensues.




2. Rosemary's Baby: This is an awesome pregnancy movie for the seer fact that she's carrying the spawn of Satan. Enough said.





3. Where the Heart Is: It's kind of sappy, but not a bad film. I mean, Natalie Portman, pregnant, living in a Walmart. That makes for some good times.





4. She's Having A Baby: This movie is the epitome of an 80's movie. I don't actually remember it that much, but I watched it with my sister a bunch of times. Kevin Bacon doesn't want to wear boxers because in the 80's cool guys wore briefs.



5. Fools Rush In: Pregnancy after a heated night in Vegas. What a common tale that must be. Then the nerdy white guy has to learn to get along with her spicy Hispanic family. Again, comedy ensues. Plus this movie has Mathew Perry who I wish was in more good movies.



6. Saved: Teen pregnancy, gays and hypocritical bible thumpers. How can you go wrong? Especially since the teen in question gets pregnant by the christian gay guy. It's like an orgy of blasphemy!




7. Waitress: I don't care what Adam Carolla says, this movie was pretty good. And maybe it's because my wife watches it all the time, but I don't care. Keri Russell bakes pies, writes letters to her 'Damn Baby' and deals with her overly cliche redneck husband.



8. Baby Mama: I didn't want to like this movie, but I did. It was funny. It wasn't brilliant, but it wasn't low-brow dick and fart jokes. I was just simple comedy. When we go to deliver the baby, I'm definitely bringing a can of Pam... Just in case.



9. Junior: The Governator pregnant?!?! How can you go wrong. While developing a drug that would stop miscarriages, which would just lead to a bunch of stillborn or handicapped babies (miscarriages happen for a reason), they decide to put an embryo in Arnold's stomach cavity to develop. Like that wouldn't destroy his insides? None the less, it freakin' hilarious.



WORST PREGNANCY MOVIES:

1. Juno: I know everybody LOVED this stupid movie (probably because they were told they should love this stupid movie). But the acting is horrible, the story is horrible, the dialog is horrible. It was literally unwatchable. And Ellen Page was cursed by bad directing, but Michael Cera just can't act... In anything... HE'S EVER BEEN IN!



2. Knocked Up: Another movie that did well even though it sucked ass. It saddens me to see how popular the low-brow, raunch fest, Judd Apatow movies are. Idiocracy is coming. And why does everything have to be the unrated version? You can't even find the theatrical version. So they released a movie into theaters, but it wasn't how they wanted it. Good job whores!

11 Weeks 6 Days: Stupid Baby Products

I know I'm not the first to make a list of horrible baby products, but I'm not trying to be a pioneer. I just want people to see these ridiculous inventions. And remember all of these are on the market so somebody is using them.



What we have here is the Mr. Milker male breastfeeding contraption. Maybe I'm just not enlightened enough, but there is no way I'm gonna strap this piece of crap to myself and pretend I'm a woman so I can breastfeed the baby.

We all know how I feel about baby leashes to begin with, but this strange version of the leash goes from the parent's belly to the child's. This is like the ultimate level of separation anxiety for any parent. "Hey lady, it's time to cut the umbilical cord... Literally!"

This device is the Baby Restroom Hanger. So when you want to use a public restroom, you can hang your baby up, safely away from any germs that may be on the floor. So, I'm supposed to keep this thing with me at all times on the off chance I use a public restroom? And if the baby isn't old enough to walk, and I'm out long enough to need a public restroom, wouldn't I already have some sort of baby carrier? Wouldn't I just set that on the floor like I would anywhere else. I know people hate public restrooms, but their floors aren't any dirtier then the floor of the mall or grocery store or parking lot.I know a lot of people use these, but they are really stupid. Like the Restroom Hanger, these things are popular solely on the basis of fear. Fear of germ. SCIENCE LESSON: Babies need germs. It builds their immune system. Their immune system is building the most during infancy. If you shield you baby from all germs, they will be sick more often later in life. END LESSON. So some other kid slobbered on the handle. You're kid will live.
Baby shoes are already unnecessary. People who buy their baby a pair of name brand shoes are just self indulgent people who want other people to be impressed. But high heels? Are you training your baby for the pole already? Cowboy boots? BOOTS? And no, these aren't for older kids, it says right on the order page of the "Heelarious" website they are for 0-6 months. WTF?!
Remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer's brother invented the machine that told people what their baby was saying. Well, I guess someone thought they'd make it a reality. This is a device that is supposed to tell you what your baby's noises mean and it's complete and utter bullshit.This book should be called "What to Fear When You're Expecting". It's a compilation of all the paranoid delusions that have been created by the internet. Krystal read this and started freaking out. It wasn't until she returned it and got some reassurance from the doctor that everything was fine. Look, use common sense. Take your prenatal vitamins and see your doctor or midwife. You'll be fine. Every little pain or spot of blood doesn't mean you had a miscarriage you piece of crap book.

11 Weeks 3 Days: Heartbeats & Toaster Strudels

We went to the doctor yesterday and he did and ultrasound and showed up the face, a hand and the heartbeat which was this little pulsing light on the grainy screen. It was pretty neat to see. Dr. Sisco is an old hippie who's kind of a minimalist in a sense that he doesn't use a lot of fancy equipment. He even uses an old credit card machine that he has the swipe the thing over the card and make the carbon copy. And he told me it's because he wants to do everything he can to keep costs down for his patients. The newer credit card machine card a higher percentage per transaction so he doesn't use them. I wish hospitlas were like that. Every time you go to a hospital, you pay for a bunch of new fancy equipment that you'll probably never need. But they need to recoop the cost somehow, so they jack up their rates and pass the bill on to you. So no we don't have a printout of the ultrasound because he uses a really old monster of an ultrasound machine that doesn't seem to have that capability. And I'm fine with that. If Krystal wants a printout or a photo then next time we go I'll bring the digital camera and take a picture. Problem solved. We don't need to pay 3 times more for a printout from a machine.

Then at the end Dr. Sisco asked what Krystal ate from breakfast and when her answer was "Toaster Strudels", he was not a happy hippie doctor. He mandated that she was no longer aloud to eat toaster strudels and had to eat more fruit and lowfat food so the baby was smaller when it's born making it easier to push out. He said, "you don't want to put out a 10 lbs baby." So we let him know that I was a 10 lbs. baby, but mom didn't push me out. I wonder what she was eating when she was pregnant with me?

8 Weeks 6 Days: The Rules

Krystal wanted me to post some list of rules for how to act around a pregnant woman. I didn't quite agree with the whole list, plus I want people to know my opinion, not someone else's. So I'm writing my own list.

THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN YOU'RE AROUND AN EXPECTING COUPLE:

1- Don't tell us what we "need" to do. I know you have children and you've been through it all before and you're just trying to help, but you have to realize that EVERYBODY is telling us how to do things. Some of us get joy out of life by learning as we go. And since you are an experienced parent, you will be the first person we ASK for advice.

2- Don't forward me a bunch of emails that start off, "This is a true story, it happened to my friend. She let her son eat a potato that was imported from Canada and blah blah blah, he got really sick, blah blah blah." We are a nation of paranoid freaks and 99% of what is forwarded in emails is untrue. Just because you're a sucker for every paranoid delusion created by the media and forwarded to the entire population doesn't mean I am.

3- Don't touch my wife! What is up with people thinking they have some god given right to rub the belly of a pregnant woman. I'm assuming that a woman's protectiveness kicks up a notch when she's expecting, so having a stranger approach her belly probably adds a lot of anxiety. I read some article where this lady said that people are fascinated by pregnancy so they should be allowed to touch a pregnant woman's belly and the women who don't want people to should get over themselves. Well, I'm fascinated by a guy with a giant tumor on his face but I don't go up and start poking at it. And doesn't it seem like the woman who thinks her fascination is so important that strangers should let her fondle them should get over herself? I mean, if its someone you know, it's mildly forgivable. But if a stranger sticks his hand on my wife's stomach while she's pregnant and I'm around, something bad is going to happen. As long as I can ever remember, the part of my brain that recognizes consequence is MUCH slower than the part of my brain that tells me to do stuff. You do the math.

4- Don't use the term Preggers or Prego... It's not cute. And don't say, "we're pregnant" or "you guys are pregnant." I'm not pregnant and neither is your husband. I know there are a bunch of feel-good hippies out there who want to prove how involved they are in the pregnancy, but I'm a realist. I have nothing to prove. Pregnant is a medical term for what happens to the WOMAN when her egg is fertilized. It doesn't mean I've left her all alone to go through the pregnancy on her own. It just means that I am not pregnant, she is. And no, there is no pregnant man in Oregon... That man is not a man. If my wife chopped off her boobs and glued a silly putty penis to her crotch, it doesn't make her pregnancy a medical miracle.

5- I don't care if you don't like what we've chosen to name our baby. It's our baby, not yours.

There you go. Those are the things that drive me crazy and if you follow those simple guidelines around any expecting parent, you'll be fine.

7 Weeks 4 Days: The Beginning

The News: My wife, Krystal, is pregnant.
The Truth: We weren't trying to have a baby... But we weren't really trying not to.
The Plan: Learn as we go.
The Due Date: 01/26/2010
The Sex: You can't tell the sex of the baby yet.
The Status: Krystal saw the heartbeat on a sonogram today.

The Story: The End of last week, Krystal was late and feeling nauseous so she took a home pregnancy test. It was positive, so she took a second one when she got home from work. It was also positive. So the next day she went to Planned Parenthood to get a confirmation. They confirmed and gave her a due date. We have no health insurance (God bless the USA) so I spent 3 hours filling out the application for the Oregon Health Plan, a plan through the DHS that is given to a select few who don't have medical insurance but need it due to certain circumstances. My friend said his wife got on it when she got pregnant with their first kid. So that is going to take who knows how long to process.

Otherwise, now I'm living in a house with my emotional, pregnant wife and three unruly dogs, waiting for a baby to come in and make life more chaotic. Oh and I'm self employed in an unstable industry so I'm studying to get my insurance agents license. Plus trying to get in at least better shape for when the kid comes. And I start a six month medical research study of high blood pressure on Tuesday. Basically in order to get six months of free blood pressure medication (I run about 180 over 110). So I have about 7 months to:

1. Get licensed and established as an insurance agent (while continuing to build stuff).
2. Train at least our youngest, least well behaved dog.
3. lose 25 pounds.
4. Get my blood pressure under control.
5. Clean and bay-proof our whole house.
6. Oh and learn how to take care of a baby.