11 Weeks 6 Days: Stupid Baby Products

I know I'm not the first to make a list of horrible baby products, but I'm not trying to be a pioneer. I just want people to see these ridiculous inventions. And remember all of these are on the market so somebody is using them.



What we have here is the Mr. Milker male breastfeeding contraption. Maybe I'm just not enlightened enough, but there is no way I'm gonna strap this piece of crap to myself and pretend I'm a woman so I can breastfeed the baby.

We all know how I feel about baby leashes to begin with, but this strange version of the leash goes from the parent's belly to the child's. This is like the ultimate level of separation anxiety for any parent. "Hey lady, it's time to cut the umbilical cord... Literally!"

This device is the Baby Restroom Hanger. So when you want to use a public restroom, you can hang your baby up, safely away from any germs that may be on the floor. So, I'm supposed to keep this thing with me at all times on the off chance I use a public restroom? And if the baby isn't old enough to walk, and I'm out long enough to need a public restroom, wouldn't I already have some sort of baby carrier? Wouldn't I just set that on the floor like I would anywhere else. I know people hate public restrooms, but their floors aren't any dirtier then the floor of the mall or grocery store or parking lot.I know a lot of people use these, but they are really stupid. Like the Restroom Hanger, these things are popular solely on the basis of fear. Fear of germ. SCIENCE LESSON: Babies need germs. It builds their immune system. Their immune system is building the most during infancy. If you shield you baby from all germs, they will be sick more often later in life. END LESSON. So some other kid slobbered on the handle. You're kid will live.
Baby shoes are already unnecessary. People who buy their baby a pair of name brand shoes are just self indulgent people who want other people to be impressed. But high heels? Are you training your baby for the pole already? Cowboy boots? BOOTS? And no, these aren't for older kids, it says right on the order page of the "Heelarious" website they are for 0-6 months. WTF?!
Remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer's brother invented the machine that told people what their baby was saying. Well, I guess someone thought they'd make it a reality. This is a device that is supposed to tell you what your baby's noises mean and it's complete and utter bullshit.This book should be called "What to Fear When You're Expecting". It's a compilation of all the paranoid delusions that have been created by the internet. Krystal read this and started freaking out. It wasn't until she returned it and got some reassurance from the doctor that everything was fine. Look, use common sense. Take your prenatal vitamins and see your doctor or midwife. You'll be fine. Every little pain or spot of blood doesn't mean you had a miscarriage you piece of crap book.

10 Weeks 6 days: Heel Johnny, Heel!

We went out to a couple places looking at baby stuff today. What's up with the abundence of products that let us treat our kids like dogs? Save your, "you don't have a kids so you don't know" speech for someone who gives a shit. You're treating your kid like a dog... A DOG!

Anyway, here are a few items I found out and about while shopping:







Here we have the wildly popular child leash. I understand you just don't want your kid running off, but it looks like you're taking your kid out for a walk. So if you don't want he/she to run off, maybe you should keep and eye on him/her... And great job hiding it so it looks like a backpack... We're all fooled.












Here we have some handy little doody bags so you can clean up after your dog... I mean kid, when you're out on your walk. And as an added bonus, we're creating more plastic garbage to throw away. Keeping America #1 in garbage production. They make you lazy AND patriotic. WE'RE #1!!!













Of course, if you're too lazy to take your kid out for a walk, you can just put him/her in their portable kennel. Again, a great tool for any parent who is too lazy to actually watch their kids. Maybe Oprah is on, or maybe your ass has gotten so big that getting off the couch is too much work, who knows, the important thing is, your kids are safely confined.









And don't forget your child shock collar. For those annoying kids who make a little too much noise, a little zap goes a long way. With 5 increasing levels, even the most stubborn child will learn that the best kid is seen, not heard.








Don't ever let your child go thirsty with this 2.5 gallon automatic water dish.










You get my point. Your kid is not a cute accessory you picked up from a pet shop. It's a human being.