What we have here is the Mr. Milker male breastfeeding contraption. Maybe I'm just not enlightened enough, but there is no way I'm gonna strap this piece of crap to myself and pretend I'm a woman so I can breastfeed the baby.
We all know how I feel about baby leashes to begin with, but this strange version of the leash goes from the parent's belly to the child's. This is like the ultimate level of separation anxiety for any parent. "Hey lady, it's time to cut the umbilical cord... Literally!"
This device is the Baby Restroom Hanger. So when you want to use a public restroom, you can hang your baby up, safely away from any germs that may be on the floor. So, I'm supposed to keep this thing with me at all times on the off chance I use a public restroom? And if the baby isn't old enough to walk, and I'm out long enough to need a public restroom, wouldn't I already have some sort of baby carrier? Wouldn't I just set that on the floor like I would anywhere else. I know people hate public restrooms, but their floors aren't any dirtier then the floor of the mall or grocery store or parking lot.
I know a lot of people use these, but they are really stupid. Like the Restroom Hanger, these things are popular solely on the basis of fear. Fear of germ. SCIENCE LESSON: Babies need germs. It builds their immune system. Their immune system is building the most during infancy. If you shield you baby from all germs, they will be sick more often later in life. END LESSON. So some other kid slobbered on the handle. You're kid will live.
Baby shoes are already unnecessary. People who buy their baby a pair of name brand shoes are just self indulgent people who want other people to be impressed. But high heels? Are you training your baby for the pole already? Cowboy boots? BOOTS? And no, these aren't for older kids, it says right on the order page of the "Heelarious" website they are for 0-6 months. WTF?!
Remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer's brother invented the machine that told people what their baby was saying. Well, I guess someone thought they'd make it a reality. This is a device that is supposed to tell you what your baby's noises mean and it's complete and utter bullshit.
This book should be called "What to Fear When You're Expecting". It's a compilation of all the paranoid delusions that have been created by the internet. Krystal read this and started freaking out. It wasn't until she returned it and got some reassurance from the doctor that everything was fine. Look, use common sense. Take your prenatal vitamins and see your doctor or midwife. You'll be fine. Every little pain or spot of blood doesn't mean you had a miscarriage you piece of crap book.
