8 Weeks 6 Days: The Rules

Krystal wanted me to post some list of rules for how to act around a pregnant woman. I didn't quite agree with the whole list, plus I want people to know my opinion, not someone else's. So I'm writing my own list.

THINGS TO REMEMBER WHEN YOU'RE AROUND AN EXPECTING COUPLE:

1- Don't tell us what we "need" to do. I know you have children and you've been through it all before and you're just trying to help, but you have to realize that EVERYBODY is telling us how to do things. Some of us get joy out of life by learning as we go. And since you are an experienced parent, you will be the first person we ASK for advice.

2- Don't forward me a bunch of emails that start off, "This is a true story, it happened to my friend. She let her son eat a potato that was imported from Canada and blah blah blah, he got really sick, blah blah blah." We are a nation of paranoid freaks and 99% of what is forwarded in emails is untrue. Just because you're a sucker for every paranoid delusion created by the media and forwarded to the entire population doesn't mean I am.

3- Don't touch my wife! What is up with people thinking they have some god given right to rub the belly of a pregnant woman. I'm assuming that a woman's protectiveness kicks up a notch when she's expecting, so having a stranger approach her belly probably adds a lot of anxiety. I read some article where this lady said that people are fascinated by pregnancy so they should be allowed to touch a pregnant woman's belly and the women who don't want people to should get over themselves. Well, I'm fascinated by a guy with a giant tumor on his face but I don't go up and start poking at it. And doesn't it seem like the woman who thinks her fascination is so important that strangers should let her fondle them should get over herself? I mean, if its someone you know, it's mildly forgivable. But if a stranger sticks his hand on my wife's stomach while she's pregnant and I'm around, something bad is going to happen. As long as I can ever remember, the part of my brain that recognizes consequence is MUCH slower than the part of my brain that tells me to do stuff. You do the math.

4- Don't use the term Preggers or Prego... It's not cute. And don't say, "we're pregnant" or "you guys are pregnant." I'm not pregnant and neither is your husband. I know there are a bunch of feel-good hippies out there who want to prove how involved they are in the pregnancy, but I'm a realist. I have nothing to prove. Pregnant is a medical term for what happens to the WOMAN when her egg is fertilized. It doesn't mean I've left her all alone to go through the pregnancy on her own. It just means that I am not pregnant, she is. And no, there is no pregnant man in Oregon... That man is not a man. If my wife chopped off her boobs and glued a silly putty penis to her crotch, it doesn't make her pregnancy a medical miracle.

5- I don't care if you don't like what we've chosen to name our baby. It's our baby, not yours.

There you go. Those are the things that drive me crazy and if you follow those simple guidelines around any expecting parent, you'll be fine.