14 Weeks 2 Days: Otters Are Not For Eating

I'm the kind of guy who will try the meat of any animal: gator, snake, ostrich, bear, opossum. I don't think I could eat Otter though. Denis Leary is right (must be why he's a doctor), we won't eat the cute animals. Though I guess I'd eat cat and most people think they're cute. When I look at a cat I see a flaming hell spawn, but that's just me.

At any rate. We went to the Oregon Coast Aquarium last weekend and it was rather enjoyable. It only took us about an hour to get through the entire place but I bet if we had a kid in tow it would probably have taken longer (if you don't tug on it's leash too much). I mean, an hour was worth it, but adding in the 3 hour drive each way, it could have been a little more. The Oddwater exhibit didn't really have that many "odd" sea creatures. There were a lot of regular fish and jelly fish and that kind of junk. I classify those things as fairly normal. All in all, a decent place to take your kid. Once they are old enough to be fascinated by touching the sharks and sea urchins and giggling at the silly otters.

And you are not going to see a video of a wacky otter because blogger won't upload it... Ah, technology at it's finest. this is the best I can do:

13 Weeks 6 Days: $200 For a 15 Minute Dr. Visit

A while back I went to the doctor because my blood pressure was through the roof (couldn't use my normal naturopathic doctor, long story). So I was told, since I have no medical insurance, I couldn't see the doctor until I paid a $150 deposit. Which I did. Then I saw a nurse practitioner (not even a real doctor) for maybe 15 minutes, no tests were done, she checked my blood pressure, listened to my lungs and wrote a prescription. That's it! I figured they would credit me back some of my deposit. Until today when I got a bill in the mail for another $50. It was $200 to see a nurse practitioner for 15 minutes?!?! Are you out of your mind? Our healthcare system is fucked. All you people that say a national healthcare program would ruin our country are crazy. It's already fucked! All you people are either 1. rich, 2. already have some healthcare that is paid for, or 3. not in need of healthcare (ie. young, unmarried, no kids). When you're middle class and want some healthcare to protect yourself, your wife and your upcoming baby and you find out that it would cost $500 a month plus a $5000 deductible (after the baby is born since the pregnancy is a pre existing condition), you open up to new options real easily. But it's easy to ignore if you aren't in a market for healthcare. What we have now is not working, plain and simple. It's time to try something else. So if you are one of those people not in the market for healthcare and you are campaigning against single payer or a public option: you can bite me. I need healthcare for myself and my family and I shouldn't have to pay out the ass for it because the insurance company wants 40% of premiums to be profit. This isn't meant to be an attack on anyone. Everyone is entitled to their views. But so am I and views against healthcare reform affect me A LOT. It's just really frustrating to hear people talk out their ass about how reforming healthcare will hurt the country while at the same time, I'm not able to get any good healthcare to save my life (almost literally). So if you don't need healthcare, shut up. If you have great healthcare that is affordable, by all means clue me in. But if you want to tell me I'm wrong, then you better be ready to tell me about your healthcare or experience shopping for healthcare or how to get great affordable healthcare at the same time. If you can't do that, don't bother. I don't need to hear people talk just so they can hear themselves talk.

13 Weeks 4 Days: Top Pregnancy Movies

TOP TEN PREGNANCY MOVIES:

1. Nine Months: This is the classic, 'go-to' pregnancy movie. Hugh Grant plays a guy who is afraid of commitment who finds out his girlfriend is pregnant. And comedy ensues.




2. Rosemary's Baby: This is an awesome pregnancy movie for the seer fact that she's carrying the spawn of Satan. Enough said.





3. Where the Heart Is: It's kind of sappy, but not a bad film. I mean, Natalie Portman, pregnant, living in a Walmart. That makes for some good times.





4. She's Having A Baby: This movie is the epitome of an 80's movie. I don't actually remember it that much, but I watched it with my sister a bunch of times. Kevin Bacon doesn't want to wear boxers because in the 80's cool guys wore briefs.



5. Fools Rush In: Pregnancy after a heated night in Vegas. What a common tale that must be. Then the nerdy white guy has to learn to get along with her spicy Hispanic family. Again, comedy ensues. Plus this movie has Mathew Perry who I wish was in more good movies.



6. Saved: Teen pregnancy, gays and hypocritical bible thumpers. How can you go wrong? Especially since the teen in question gets pregnant by the christian gay guy. It's like an orgy of blasphemy!




7. Waitress: I don't care what Adam Carolla says, this movie was pretty good. And maybe it's because my wife watches it all the time, but I don't care. Keri Russell bakes pies, writes letters to her 'Damn Baby' and deals with her overly cliche redneck husband.



8. Baby Mama: I didn't want to like this movie, but I did. It was funny. It wasn't brilliant, but it wasn't low-brow dick and fart jokes. I was just simple comedy. When we go to deliver the baby, I'm definitely bringing a can of Pam... Just in case.



9. Junior: The Governator pregnant?!?! How can you go wrong. While developing a drug that would stop miscarriages, which would just lead to a bunch of stillborn or handicapped babies (miscarriages happen for a reason), they decide to put an embryo in Arnold's stomach cavity to develop. Like that wouldn't destroy his insides? None the less, it freakin' hilarious.



WORST PREGNANCY MOVIES:

1. Juno: I know everybody LOVED this stupid movie (probably because they were told they should love this stupid movie). But the acting is horrible, the story is horrible, the dialog is horrible. It was literally unwatchable. And Ellen Page was cursed by bad directing, but Michael Cera just can't act... In anything... HE'S EVER BEEN IN!



2. Knocked Up: Another movie that did well even though it sucked ass. It saddens me to see how popular the low-brow, raunch fest, Judd Apatow movies are. Idiocracy is coming. And why does everything have to be the unrated version? You can't even find the theatrical version. So they released a movie into theaters, but it wasn't how they wanted it. Good job whores!

13 Weeks 4 Days: Stop Asking About The Penis

No. We don't know the babies sex! We can't find out until week 20. Why are you people so interested in babies' penises? That's gross.

In other news I took the first test in my efforts to get my insurance license. I passed. Next week I take the second part and if I pass I can officially sell insurance to suckers, I mean, people. I hope this baby appreciates all the hard work I've done to try to make it have a comfortable life. Though I expect, like most kids, it won't. I didn't when I was young. That's fine. I'll just get payback by playing mind games and giving it some kind of complex.

12 Weeks 5 Days: Grow Some Balls, Women!

What is up with these narcissistic guys that want to name their kids after themselves in excessive ways and none of these mother are saying NO? Like George Foreman naming all of is sons George Foreman... I understand one to pass down the family name, but the rest are just out of sheer self obsession. After one George Foreman Jr. that lady should have put her foot down, but it gets worse. I was telling my wife that his daughters are named George too, but I was wrong. Their middle names are George and one daughter's first name is Georgetta. How god damn egotistical and self indulgent must you be to name all 9 of your kids after yourself. And what the hell is wrong with his wife?!?! Just like Jermaine Jackson naming one son Jermaine Jr. and another Jermajesty. JERMAJESTY?!?! That woman should have smacked him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and said NO! But all those guys are the "decider" and the woman has no say. What a sad sad way to be in a relationship.

And the rest of these self indulgent famous people who are so bored with their lives that they have to name their kid something crazy. I'm fine with something uncommon or even using a word that isn't commonly a name if it makes a nice name, that's how new names come about, but Moxie Crimefighter and Pilot Inspektor and David Carradine really named his kid I.P. Freely... Look, these are little people who are going to grow up into adults and then they are going to hate you. That's what kills me, these people don't think of the kid, they think of what other people will think of their wacky name. Don't get me wrong, the name I want for our baby is not some plain name and if it's a boy people will probably call me a hypocrit, but there is a limit and I don't think my boy name pushes that limit. Our boy will still have a normal life without explaining his name constantly. All these kids will be giving themselves nicknames by the time they are in 3rd grade.

11 Weeks 6 Days: Stupid Baby Products

I know I'm not the first to make a list of horrible baby products, but I'm not trying to be a pioneer. I just want people to see these ridiculous inventions. And remember all of these are on the market so somebody is using them.



What we have here is the Mr. Milker male breastfeeding contraption. Maybe I'm just not enlightened enough, but there is no way I'm gonna strap this piece of crap to myself and pretend I'm a woman so I can breastfeed the baby.

We all know how I feel about baby leashes to begin with, but this strange version of the leash goes from the parent's belly to the child's. This is like the ultimate level of separation anxiety for any parent. "Hey lady, it's time to cut the umbilical cord... Literally!"

This device is the Baby Restroom Hanger. So when you want to use a public restroom, you can hang your baby up, safely away from any germs that may be on the floor. So, I'm supposed to keep this thing with me at all times on the off chance I use a public restroom? And if the baby isn't old enough to walk, and I'm out long enough to need a public restroom, wouldn't I already have some sort of baby carrier? Wouldn't I just set that on the floor like I would anywhere else. I know people hate public restrooms, but their floors aren't any dirtier then the floor of the mall or grocery store or parking lot.I know a lot of people use these, but they are really stupid. Like the Restroom Hanger, these things are popular solely on the basis of fear. Fear of germ. SCIENCE LESSON: Babies need germs. It builds their immune system. Their immune system is building the most during infancy. If you shield you baby from all germs, they will be sick more often later in life. END LESSON. So some other kid slobbered on the handle. You're kid will live.
Baby shoes are already unnecessary. People who buy their baby a pair of name brand shoes are just self indulgent people who want other people to be impressed. But high heels? Are you training your baby for the pole already? Cowboy boots? BOOTS? And no, these aren't for older kids, it says right on the order page of the "Heelarious" website they are for 0-6 months. WTF?!
Remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer's brother invented the machine that told people what their baby was saying. Well, I guess someone thought they'd make it a reality. This is a device that is supposed to tell you what your baby's noises mean and it's complete and utter bullshit.This book should be called "What to Fear When You're Expecting". It's a compilation of all the paranoid delusions that have been created by the internet. Krystal read this and started freaking out. It wasn't until she returned it and got some reassurance from the doctor that everything was fine. Look, use common sense. Take your prenatal vitamins and see your doctor or midwife. You'll be fine. Every little pain or spot of blood doesn't mean you had a miscarriage you piece of crap book.

11 Weeks 5 Days: Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

I just want to make sure you know how lucky you are. Not because we're going to love you and take care of you. Not because you could be born in some third world country with no food. This notice is for much shallower reasons.

Baby, you're very lucky that you are going to grow up in a cool city. And I'm sure the people who grew up here don't think it's that cool, but they didn't grow up in Bremerton. You are so lucky to not have to spend your childhood hanging out in the Safeway parking lot because there's nothing else to do. Or going to the Mall. You're lucky that you don't have to go to CK High or Olympic High or Bremerton High, all equally shitty schools. You're lucky you won't have to see half of the girls in your high school knocked up by the time they graduate. You're lucky that you won't have to look over your shoulder when you're out on the town to make sure some drunk Navy guy isn't going to jump you because he's just a douche bag (or because you're a black punk rocker). You're lucky that you won't have to spend countless hours on a ferry boat so you can get to Seattle and actually have something to do. You're lucky you won't have to live anywhere even remotely near the Main Stage. You're lucky that you don't have to grow up in a town where going out to nice restaraunt means going to the Olive Garden. And you're lucky that if you decide you don't want to go to college, you're only other option won't be to work at the shipyard.

You'll be here in Portland. You'll be accepted by 90% of the popluation no matter what weird phase you're in. You can get all over the city with the expanding public transportation system. Or you could ride you bike. In less than an hour you can be at the Columbia Gorge or on Mt. hood. You can go to any of the 6 to 8 parks that are within minutes of our house. If you're a girl, you're chances of rape are lower since Bremerton has a forcible rape rate of more that 3 times that of Portland and 6 times the national average. Not mention the murder rate is lower here. If you do go to college, you have the choice of a dozen community and tech colleges and a couple of universities. If you want to own a chicken, that's aloud in Portland apparently.

So just remember how lucky you are that your wonderful parents decided to move out of the hellhole that is known as Bremerton Washington and reloceted to beautiful Portland Oregon. And thank you Portland for welcoming us and out upcoming child.

11 Weeks 4 Days: Stupid Einstein

I just saw this article entitled: "Baby Einstein Makes Baby Stupid" from the San Francisco Chronicle. I laugh at the fact that a single person thought that something that required their kid stare at a TV was going to make them smarter. Maybe it wasn't the TV watching that made the kids stupid, maybe it was just genetic.

Read it here!

11 Weeks 3 Days: Heartbeats & Toaster Strudels

We went to the doctor yesterday and he did and ultrasound and showed up the face, a hand and the heartbeat which was this little pulsing light on the grainy screen. It was pretty neat to see. Dr. Sisco is an old hippie who's kind of a minimalist in a sense that he doesn't use a lot of fancy equipment. He even uses an old credit card machine that he has the swipe the thing over the card and make the carbon copy. And he told me it's because he wants to do everything he can to keep costs down for his patients. The newer credit card machine card a higher percentage per transaction so he doesn't use them. I wish hospitlas were like that. Every time you go to a hospital, you pay for a bunch of new fancy equipment that you'll probably never need. But they need to recoop the cost somehow, so they jack up their rates and pass the bill on to you. So no we don't have a printout of the ultrasound because he uses a really old monster of an ultrasound machine that doesn't seem to have that capability. And I'm fine with that. If Krystal wants a printout or a photo then next time we go I'll bring the digital camera and take a picture. Problem solved. We don't need to pay 3 times more for a printout from a machine.

Then at the end Dr. Sisco asked what Krystal ate from breakfast and when her answer was "Toaster Strudels", he was not a happy hippie doctor. He mandated that she was no longer aloud to eat toaster strudels and had to eat more fruit and lowfat food so the baby was smaller when it's born making it easier to push out. He said, "you don't want to put out a 10 lbs baby." So we let him know that I was a 10 lbs. baby, but mom didn't push me out. I wonder what she was eating when she was pregnant with me?

10 Weeks 6 days: Heel Johnny, Heel!

We went out to a couple places looking at baby stuff today. What's up with the abundence of products that let us treat our kids like dogs? Save your, "you don't have a kids so you don't know" speech for someone who gives a shit. You're treating your kid like a dog... A DOG!

Anyway, here are a few items I found out and about while shopping:







Here we have the wildly popular child leash. I understand you just don't want your kid running off, but it looks like you're taking your kid out for a walk. So if you don't want he/she to run off, maybe you should keep and eye on him/her... And great job hiding it so it looks like a backpack... We're all fooled.












Here we have some handy little doody bags so you can clean up after your dog... I mean kid, when you're out on your walk. And as an added bonus, we're creating more plastic garbage to throw away. Keeping America #1 in garbage production. They make you lazy AND patriotic. WE'RE #1!!!













Of course, if you're too lazy to take your kid out for a walk, you can just put him/her in their portable kennel. Again, a great tool for any parent who is too lazy to actually watch their kids. Maybe Oprah is on, or maybe your ass has gotten so big that getting off the couch is too much work, who knows, the important thing is, your kids are safely confined.









And don't forget your child shock collar. For those annoying kids who make a little too much noise, a little zap goes a long way. With 5 increasing levels, even the most stubborn child will learn that the best kid is seen, not heard.








Don't ever let your child go thirsty with this 2.5 gallon automatic water dish.










You get my point. Your kid is not a cute accessory you picked up from a pet shop. It's a human being.

10 Weeks 4 Days: The Business of Being Born

We watched the documentary "The Business of Being Born" last night and it made me scared out of my mind that Krystal might even need to go to the hospital due to an emergency situation. Basically, the hospital is causing the highest labor mortality rate out of any industrialized country. Here is a play by play of what the hospital nurses described as a routine delivery in the hospital.

- Woman comes in and lets say doesn't want an epidural, so they let her be for a bit.
- After a while, the hospital wants the bed back so they can get another paying customer in there, so they give the woman a shot of Pitocin, a drug that causes contractions.
- The contractions are so severe with the Pitocin that, even if you didn't want an Epidural, you're getting one now.
- Well, the Epidural causes the contractions to ease, so it's time for more Pitocin.
- And, you guessed it, another Epidural, because of the contractions. Plus a couple of other drugs to ease the side effects of the Pitocin.
- Now the baby is in the mother, getting a drug to cause contractions and then a drug to ease contractions over and over and the babies heart rate is going crazy, putting the baby in danger. Also the strength of contractions on Pitocin restrict the babies blood flow.
- Then they finish the delivery off with a quick and easy Cesarean Section which they say "saved the baby", when really the inhuman amount of drugs they gave a woman in labor put the baby in danger in the first place.

It was a crazy account of how these hospitals are just giant money making machines. They encourage C-Sections now because they can get the woman in and out and fill the beds faster. Even though a C-Section is serious invasive surgery that adds way more risk to a delivery. We do over 40% of our deliveries as C-Section in our country now. That's crazy.

I'm so glad we are using a midwife. The death rate for using a midwife looks to be less than 1 per thousand births where the hospital death rate is about 4 per thousand. It sucks that we as a nation believe everything a doctor says, when really, they don't know shit about the human body and their first priority is money, over you , over your baby, they just want the money.

Check out the Documentary "The business of Being Born", you can get it on Netflix or watch it instantly on Netflix. And if you're having a baby, you should really consider using a midwife or a midwife birthing center. Not only is is safer, it costs less.




Pitocin FAQs from Childbrith.org

10 Weeks 3 Days: High Test Scores

A while back Nebraska enacted their Safe Haven law where someone could drop off and unwanted child at a hospital without the fear of prosecution. It was intented for infants, but since it used the term "child", legally it meant anyone under the age of 19. So this dude drops off 9 kids. You can read the article here. Basically the guy had a bunch of kids with his wife and during the labor of the newest child, she died. So he has a bunch of kids from age 1 month to 16 years, his wife is gone and he apparently, "lost the will to be a parent." Not only that, but the state had paid out near 1 million in government aid in the form of food stamps, medicaid, ect. So even though these people could not afford to have the kids, they just kept on having more and once the wife died, this dude just drops them off at the hospital. So, I'm thinking, at least they aren't having more kids. THINK AGAIN! This douche bag has got himself a new woman and she's pregnant WITH TWINS! The story is here. I think when you opt for your right to just "walk away" from all your kids, you should be banned from creating more. And you know this dude is not any better off financially... Or mentally.

We really need to start a pre-breeding test. I'm expecting a baby, I'll take the test right now. It's no problem for me because I used a little thing called common sense. But if you fail the test, you get sterilized. It's like the assholes live forever theory. Good people can't have kids but idiots seem to be able to breed like rabbits. and I do know people who aren't idiots who have a lot of kids. It's only works one way. Not everyone with a lot of kids is an idiot, but if you are an idiot (or a crackhead or a wife beater or a redneck) you're probably very fertile.