I was 5 years old when my parents divorced. My dad was much more concerned with himself, his stuff and his image than his children. He had visitations every other weekend but a lot of times he wouldn't show up. After couple of years my mother wanted to move us from Califonia to Washington which is normally a big custody no-no. But my mom threatened to take half his business if he didn't let her move us, so he caved. his money was more important to him then us. Then there were sporadic calls and maybe three visits for the rest of our childhoods. One time he called and asked if I was going to be the wrong age in the wrong month. The guy didn't even know when my birthday was. He died when I was 17. He died without knowing anything about his two children. He died with two children who didn't give a crap about him and knew that the feeling was mutual. Occasionally he would send us money or try to buy our love somehow, but my sister and I could see right through that. He was a selfish person who had helped create two life's and didn't give a shit about them.
This was what I struggled with growing up. Why didn't my dad love me? How could somebody have a son and not care about them at all? How could he just disregard me like that? I started driving myself crazy convincing myself that I apparently wasn't worth his love. Drinking was one of the few things that made the thoughts go away. And of course I was turning into an alcoholic which made me believe that it was my lot in life to turn out just like him. Drink and put myself into financial trouble and eventually die young.
I eventually stopped drinking and had to really struggle to come to terms with my issues with my father. And things have been much better, but it's not like they ever went away. If you people only knew the amount of shit that's going on inside my head. It's like a crowded room of noise that follows me around 24/7. Sometimes it keeps me up at night and sometimes I sleep through it but it translates into horrible nightmares. They're nightmares that I don't really talk about. Before Elliott was born they would mainly be of myself being hunted down by something unknown. Something was after me and I couldn't get away no matter what I did. I could just barely stay one step ahead of it and I couldn't stop and I couldn't rest, I had to keep running. Other times I would have nightmares that my sister was being beaten or killed by somebody. Sometimes my mom's old abusive boyfriend who lived with us for many years after the divorce. Either that or she'd be being beaten by someone cloaked in darkness. Now my nightmares have shifted to me dying and leaving my family alone or, as much as I hate to say it, of me killing the baby. And not in accidental ways, I have nightmares of me intentionally killing Elliott. I don't know why or what that means but I can tell you that I have never experienced a single waking moment where I have wanted anything bad to happen to him. Not even when he's fussing and crying. I actually think his little sad face is cute.
So now that you all realize that I'm shit-nuts, I'll continue my story.
I worked on my issues with my dad a lot. I've struggled with depression and still do but things were much better and I was really coming to terms with my dad basically telling me to fuck off. The only problem is that I did this stuff before I had a son. Now that I have a son of my own I am driving myself crazy again trying to figure out how you could just abandon him. How is that act possible?!?! So I find myself having a hard time getting attached to him because the more I do, the more I don't get my dad. And of course I tell myself, "my dad was just broken." He was a broken person. But I'm not fully functioning myself. Hell, I dream about killing my kid. We all have some defects. But of course I do get more attached to him and I love him more and more every day. I can think there is no way that I could ever love this little guy any more, there is not any more love in the entire world, I'm using it all up on him right now; but the the next day you realize that yesterday you were wrong. And the loving of my son makes me happy, but the shit in my head kicks up a notch and I'm right back where I was.
I hate sounding like some whiny famous person on celebrity rehab with Dr. Drew. "Whaa, whaa, daddy didn't love me enough." I'm not the kind of guy that needs to be showered with affection, but nothing at all? It's just something I can't wrap my head around.
So if anyone wants to know why I am the way I am? Good luck. This might give you a hint but really who knows. And anyone who thinks I should act a different way or do things differently, I don't have the time or energy to deal with making you happy. I have enough on my hands with own shit. Honestly, you're lucky that I am not 10 times worse than I am. I really do have to work hard at being as non-offensive as I am right now. The rest of the time I'm telling all the other people in my head to shut up. But they don't and they probably never will.
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I wish we could trade thoughts for a day... I have some amazing things going on inside my head most of the time too. If they could only harness the amount of energy I spend keeping myself 'positive' we would never face energy crisis. I love you!!
ReplyDeleteJiles & Janet -
ReplyDeleteI struggle with stuff like that too. I wonder why your Dad was so uninvolved in your lives but alcohol and drugs have a way of making people into someone we don't recognize. Up until he, once again, started trekking the wrong path in life, you two meant everything in the world to him. I saw it every day. There isn't anything he wouldn't have done for you or given to you. I watched him be the big kid he used to be . . . having so much fun with you guys. I know you don't remember any of that, but I do. Unfortunately, his self-image had already been tarnished by an abusive father and losing his mother when he was just a child - around 9. He had been very close to his mother so losing her at that time in his life would be a big factor in what his adult life would be like. He was doing very well until the "call of the young people" in the construction world dragged him back into the world of alcohol and drugs. He was always afraid of getting older. He once told me that he didn't want to ever be older than 50. (He got his wish.) When I married him I didn't know about his past problems. I would have thought twice if I had known. Your Aunt Bev told me all about his past while we were going through our divorce. She said she had thought that I'd be the one to keep him on the straight and narrow and she didn't want to scare me away by telling me the bad stuff because I'd be "good for him". The bad thing about Bev thinking that is that nobody can change a person except for themselves. The good thing about Bev thinking that is that I was blessed with two wonderful kids that I love very much. I wouldn't change the way things happened and miss out on the two best gifts of my life. I know it's easier said than done, but each of you . . look at where you are now: you each have a loving spouse, a sweet child, and a job that keep the bills paid. You have a lot of family who love you even though you make yourselves pretty scarce. Nobody cares. When they get to see you, it makes it that much better. Neither of you are to blame for adult decisions that were made when you were kids. You own no fault in the way things happened. Please always remember that. Perhaps the three of us should sit down and talk sometime . . . perhaps it would help all of us. I love you both more than you'll ever know . . . but perhaps you DO know now that you have children of your own. Mom
Don't worry so much about the dreams. Before my son was born, I dreamed he came out ugly and deformed, and I tried to beat him to death. These crazy dreams/emotions are part of being a new parent; bringing a new life into the world forces us to confront the worst in ourselves so that maybe we'll have a prayer in raising decent kids.
ReplyDeleteBesides, there's no law against being a little nuts.