What we have here is the Mr. Milker male breastfeeding contraption. Maybe I'm just not enlightened enough, but there is no way I'm gonna strap this piece of crap to myself and pretend I'm a woman so I can breastfeed the baby.
We all know how I feel about baby leashes to begin with, but this strange version of the leash goes from the parent's belly to the child's. This is like the ultimate level of separation anxiety for any parent. "Hey lady, it's time to cut the umbilical cord... Literally!"
This device is the Baby Restroom Hanger. So when you want to use a public restroom, you can hang your baby up, safely away from any germs that may be on the floor. So, I'm supposed to keep this thing with me at all times on the off chance I use a public restroom? And if the baby isn't old enough to walk, and I'm out long enough to need a public restroom, wouldn't I already have some sort of baby carrier? Wouldn't I just set that on the floor like I would anywhere else. I know people hate public restrooms, but their floors aren't any dirtier then the floor of the mall or grocery store or parking lot.
I know a lot of people use these, but they are really stupid. Like the Restroom Hanger, these things are popular solely on the basis of fear. Fear of germ. SCIENCE LESSON: Babies need germs. It builds their immune system. Their immune system is building the most during infancy. If you shield you baby from all germs, they will be sick more often later in life. END LESSON. So some other kid slobbered on the handle. You're kid will live.
Baby shoes are already unnecessary. People who buy their baby a pair of name brand shoes are just self indulgent people who want other people to be impressed. But high heels? Are you training your baby for the pole already? Cowboy boots? BOOTS? And no, these aren't for older kids, it says right on the order page of the "Heelarious" website they are for 0-6 months. WTF?!
Remember that episode of the Simpsons where Homer's brother invented the machine that told people what their baby was saying. Well, I guess someone thought they'd make it a reality. This is a device that is supposed to tell you what your baby's noises mean and it's complete and utter bullshit.
This book should be called "What to Fear When You're Expecting". It's a compilation of all the paranoid delusions that have been created by the internet. Krystal read this and started freaking out. It wasn't until she returned it and got some reassurance from the doctor that everything was fine. Look, use common sense. Take your prenatal vitamins and see your doctor or midwife. You'll be fine. Every little pain or spot of blood doesn't mean you had a miscarriage you piece of crap book.
I like the spurs on the baby cowboy boots. Is that so the baby can poke out the eye of the person who is changing its diaper?
ReplyDeleteI thought there was a lot of dumb things for babies when Luna was born - but they just keep topping it with ever dumber crap. I did use something kind of like the bathroom door hanger, but it was only for home. It was a bouncy seat that hung from any doorway. Once Luna could sit up on her own and was starting to crawl, I would have her play in that while I took a shower. I never used a play pen in my house and that was the ONLY time of the day I needed her to be contained, plus she loved it!
ReplyDeleteI totally agree - people have become so germ freaked out it is crazy. I do not carry hand sanitizer around and we do not wash our hands over and over all day long. I will use baby wipes for when I cannot be near a sink and get really dirty... I know people who will use CLOROX WIPES to wipe their hands instead of just a simple wet wipe.
In defense of 'What to expect when you're expecting" I read it when I was pregnant (11 years ago) and loved it. Either it has been revised a lot or I just don't remember it making my paranoid at all. I enjoyed the parts explaining the size and progress of the fetus and the changes it was going through.
Oh my goodness, you forgot some of the best ones! There is a product on the market now that alerts parents every time the baby moves in its crib. It's a motion sensor pad that lies on top of the baby's mattress. When the baby moves, the parents are beeped on a receiver. As if baby monitors weren't enough! Also, have you seen the wipe and diaper warmers? Most useless things ever! Heaven forbid the baby catch a chill from a room-temperature diaper!
ReplyDeleteI'm 16 weeks pregnant with my first child, so I'm enjoying all this lovely "shock" advertising as well. Love your blog.