14 Weeks 2 Days: Otters Are Not For Eating

I'm the kind of guy who will try the meat of any animal: gator, snake, ostrich, bear, opossum. I don't think I could eat Otter though. Denis Leary is right (must be why he's a doctor), we won't eat the cute animals. Though I guess I'd eat cat and most people think they're cute. When I look at a cat I see a flaming hell spawn, but that's just me.

At any rate. We went to the Oregon Coast Aquarium last weekend and it was rather enjoyable. It only took us about an hour to get through the entire place but I bet if we had a kid in tow it would probably have taken longer (if you don't tug on it's leash too much). I mean, an hour was worth it, but adding in the 3 hour drive each way, it could have been a little more. The Oddwater exhibit didn't really have that many "odd" sea creatures. There were a lot of regular fish and jelly fish and that kind of junk. I classify those things as fairly normal. All in all, a decent place to take your kid. Once they are old enough to be fascinated by touching the sharks and sea urchins and giggling at the silly otters.

And you are not going to see a video of a wacky otter because blogger won't upload it... Ah, technology at it's finest. this is the best I can do:

13 Weeks 6 Days: $200 For a 15 Minute Dr. Visit

A while back I went to the doctor because my blood pressure was through the roof (couldn't use my normal naturopathic doctor, long story). So I was told, since I have no medical insurance, I couldn't see the doctor until I paid a $150 deposit. Which I did. Then I saw a nurse practitioner (not even a real doctor) for maybe 15 minutes, no tests were done, she checked my blood pressure, listened to my lungs and wrote a prescription. That's it! I figured they would credit me back some of my deposit. Until today when I got a bill in the mail for another $50. It was $200 to see a nurse practitioner for 15 minutes?!?! Are you out of your mind? Our healthcare system is fucked. All you people that say a national healthcare program would ruin our country are crazy. It's already fucked! All you people are either 1. rich, 2. already have some healthcare that is paid for, or 3. not in need of healthcare (ie. young, unmarried, no kids). When you're middle class and want some healthcare to protect yourself, your wife and your upcoming baby and you find out that it would cost $500 a month plus a $5000 deductible (after the baby is born since the pregnancy is a pre existing condition), you open up to new options real easily. But it's easy to ignore if you aren't in a market for healthcare. What we have now is not working, plain and simple. It's time to try something else. So if you are one of those people not in the market for healthcare and you are campaigning against single payer or a public option: you can bite me. I need healthcare for myself and my family and I shouldn't have to pay out the ass for it because the insurance company wants 40% of premiums to be profit. This isn't meant to be an attack on anyone. Everyone is entitled to their views. But so am I and views against healthcare reform affect me A LOT. It's just really frustrating to hear people talk out their ass about how reforming healthcare will hurt the country while at the same time, I'm not able to get any good healthcare to save my life (almost literally). So if you don't need healthcare, shut up. If you have great healthcare that is affordable, by all means clue me in. But if you want to tell me I'm wrong, then you better be ready to tell me about your healthcare or experience shopping for healthcare or how to get great affordable healthcare at the same time. If you can't do that, don't bother. I don't need to hear people talk just so they can hear themselves talk.

13 Weeks 4 Days: Top Pregnancy Movies

TOP TEN PREGNANCY MOVIES:

1. Nine Months: This is the classic, 'go-to' pregnancy movie. Hugh Grant plays a guy who is afraid of commitment who finds out his girlfriend is pregnant. And comedy ensues.




2. Rosemary's Baby: This is an awesome pregnancy movie for the seer fact that she's carrying the spawn of Satan. Enough said.





3. Where the Heart Is: It's kind of sappy, but not a bad film. I mean, Natalie Portman, pregnant, living in a Walmart. That makes for some good times.





4. She's Having A Baby: This movie is the epitome of an 80's movie. I don't actually remember it that much, but I watched it with my sister a bunch of times. Kevin Bacon doesn't want to wear boxers because in the 80's cool guys wore briefs.



5. Fools Rush In: Pregnancy after a heated night in Vegas. What a common tale that must be. Then the nerdy white guy has to learn to get along with her spicy Hispanic family. Again, comedy ensues. Plus this movie has Mathew Perry who I wish was in more good movies.



6. Saved: Teen pregnancy, gays and hypocritical bible thumpers. How can you go wrong? Especially since the teen in question gets pregnant by the christian gay guy. It's like an orgy of blasphemy!




7. Waitress: I don't care what Adam Carolla says, this movie was pretty good. And maybe it's because my wife watches it all the time, but I don't care. Keri Russell bakes pies, writes letters to her 'Damn Baby' and deals with her overly cliche redneck husband.



8. Baby Mama: I didn't want to like this movie, but I did. It was funny. It wasn't brilliant, but it wasn't low-brow dick and fart jokes. I was just simple comedy. When we go to deliver the baby, I'm definitely bringing a can of Pam... Just in case.



9. Junior: The Governator pregnant?!?! How can you go wrong. While developing a drug that would stop miscarriages, which would just lead to a bunch of stillborn or handicapped babies (miscarriages happen for a reason), they decide to put an embryo in Arnold's stomach cavity to develop. Like that wouldn't destroy his insides? None the less, it freakin' hilarious.



WORST PREGNANCY MOVIES:

1. Juno: I know everybody LOVED this stupid movie (probably because they were told they should love this stupid movie). But the acting is horrible, the story is horrible, the dialog is horrible. It was literally unwatchable. And Ellen Page was cursed by bad directing, but Michael Cera just can't act... In anything... HE'S EVER BEEN IN!



2. Knocked Up: Another movie that did well even though it sucked ass. It saddens me to see how popular the low-brow, raunch fest, Judd Apatow movies are. Idiocracy is coming. And why does everything have to be the unrated version? You can't even find the theatrical version. So they released a movie into theaters, but it wasn't how they wanted it. Good job whores!

13 Weeks 4 Days: Stop Asking About The Penis

No. We don't know the babies sex! We can't find out until week 20. Why are you people so interested in babies' penises? That's gross.

In other news I took the first test in my efforts to get my insurance license. I passed. Next week I take the second part and if I pass I can officially sell insurance to suckers, I mean, people. I hope this baby appreciates all the hard work I've done to try to make it have a comfortable life. Though I expect, like most kids, it won't. I didn't when I was young. That's fine. I'll just get payback by playing mind games and giving it some kind of complex.

12 Weeks 5 Days: Grow Some Balls, Women!

What is up with these narcissistic guys that want to name their kids after themselves in excessive ways and none of these mother are saying NO? Like George Foreman naming all of is sons George Foreman... I understand one to pass down the family name, but the rest are just out of sheer self obsession. After one George Foreman Jr. that lady should have put her foot down, but it gets worse. I was telling my wife that his daughters are named George too, but I was wrong. Their middle names are George and one daughter's first name is Georgetta. How god damn egotistical and self indulgent must you be to name all 9 of your kids after yourself. And what the hell is wrong with his wife?!?! Just like Jermaine Jackson naming one son Jermaine Jr. and another Jermajesty. JERMAJESTY?!?! That woman should have smacked him on the nose with a rolled up newspaper and said NO! But all those guys are the "decider" and the woman has no say. What a sad sad way to be in a relationship.

And the rest of these self indulgent famous people who are so bored with their lives that they have to name their kid something crazy. I'm fine with something uncommon or even using a word that isn't commonly a name if it makes a nice name, that's how new names come about, but Moxie Crimefighter and Pilot Inspektor and David Carradine really named his kid I.P. Freely... Look, these are little people who are going to grow up into adults and then they are going to hate you. That's what kills me, these people don't think of the kid, they think of what other people will think of their wacky name. Don't get me wrong, the name I want for our baby is not some plain name and if it's a boy people will probably call me a hypocrit, but there is a limit and I don't think my boy name pushes that limit. Our boy will still have a normal life without explaining his name constantly. All these kids will be giving themselves nicknames by the time they are in 3rd grade.