31 Weeks 4 Days: Orthopedic Nonsense

We visited the midwife yesterday and talked a little bit about the day of delivery. What hospital we would go to in case of emergency and we wanted to make sure she makes the call early enough where an ambulance isn't needed, since we don't want to pay for it. Which she said is usually not necessary. Then we had a conversation about how everything in the medical world just costs too much. More than it should. Like my $308 tetanus shot. But it's not only cost that steers me away from the hospitals and conventional doctors. It's the unnecessary crap they tell you you need. It's not enough to want to overcharge to increase their profit margin (more the hospital than the individual doctor), but just like any other place where you buy something, they will also "upsell" to you. Upselling is the practice of getting the customer to add a little more to their shopping cart before ringing up at the register. Examples:

1. Obviously the vaccinations are the first. Yes, there are some that are a good idea, but there are bunch that are completely unnecessary and could potentially be harmful. Plus, in nature, our bodies are meant to learn to fight off illness, why are we teaching out newborns' bodies how to NOT do that?

2. Braces. A majority of people I know with kids have been told they need braces. I'd estimate 75% of those people never got their kid the braces and all those kids' teeth are fine. I have really good teeth (straightness wise) and some of those kids who "needed" braces and never got them have better teeth than me! It's all based on "overbite". An overbite is like lower back pain, someone can say it exists and you just have to take their word for it. And it's easy to do because EVERYONE has an overbite. That's the way your teeth are supposed to go. Unless your kid has crooked teeth, and I mean seriously crooked, don't waste your money. And don't waste you money if your kids teeth are a little crooked. There is some value in individuality.

3. The Orthopedic Helmet. This is a new craze I've been hearing pop up a lot lately. Not too long after your baby is born your doctor will say, "oh, your baby's head is misshapen and he needs an Orthopedic Helmet". B-u-l-l-s-h-i-t! Every baby's head is misshapen and that's the way they're supposed to be. Nobody's head is perfectly round. Could you imagine what it would be like if everyone on the planet had a perfectly shaped head and they all looked the same? We could just shave out heads and look like aliens.

The key to the Braces and the Orthopdeic Helmet are that they get you when the child is young enough that the problem hasn't corrected itself. Of course the baby's head is misshapen, it just squeezed between it's mothers legs. But a baby's head will harden and change shape as it grows up. They always suggest the helmet before that. And the "overbite" is another thing that changes as the child grows and it's always suggested to the kid when they are young enough that the growing process isn't done. These doctors know exactly what they're doing and they know that your fear (and your assumption that the doctor is always right) will help them sell you some shit that you don't need. If you walked into a Bestbuy and the salesman told you that you really needed this little elctronic device that you could put on your kid and it would help them stay healthy or in a beauty store they try to sell you an expensive piece of plastic that will help keep your kids' teeth straight, you'd shrug it off as another unnecessary gadget. But if a doctor told you that you needed it to keep your kid healthy or keep their teeth straight, you'd be 10 times more likely to buy it. And they know that.

But the thing that really freaks me out is that these doctors can sell this shit because we as a people have decided that we need to eliminate anything about us that sets us apart from everyone else. Everybody wants to look perfect, but in looking perfect we ultimately will just all look the same. You have a couple crooked teeth, you're head is a little more pointed at the top, you have a birthmark in a visible area. Those are the things that make you YOU.

And where did nature go so wrong that man has had to step in a fix all it's problems? Nature created us with the ability to come in contact with an illness, figure it out and learn to fight it off. But you have to let the human body do that in order for a person to have a strong immune system. Nature made it possible for the baby's head to be soft so it can squeeze out of the mother. It's supposed to be that way. We have decided as a people that nature is wrong and that we can do better, but so far we haven't done anything that even compares to what nature has provided. and every time our cocky asses try, people get sick or get killed.

Besides, do you really want to put you kid through this? This kid would have hated his parents a lot less if his head were out of shape.

30 Weeks 5 Days: Family Matters

Dear Baby,

Your Aunt Janet is throwing a baby shower for you and your mom. She had these really nice invitations made and even put on there that we didn't want any disposable diapers of wipes. So, if you ever get mad at her in the future, just do what I do in those situations and remember how great a sister/aunt she is.

29 Weeks 2 Days: Death Race

I've done a ton of shit in my life. I actually know a lot of people who have done more, so it doesn't feel like a lot to me, but then I also know a lot of people who haven't done shit so I guess it is. But I want to do more. I like having crazy stories and it feels like the older I get, the less crazy stories I log. In the past few years I've... Uh... Worked and... Uh... Oh, a few years back we went to Leavenworth and had quite the adventure getting home. We almost slid off a cliff, we got stuck in massive flooding. It was fun. But since then... I got nothin'. So I'm compiling a list of things I want to do before I die.

1: I want to fly a helicopter. I'd say learn to fly a helicopter, which is probably where I'll have the chance, but if the opportunity arises and there happens to be a helicopter unguarded... I might hop in and try to get her off the ground.

2: I want to hop a train. I'd like to just hop a train to a random destination. Also I'd like to run on top of a moving train and have to lay down real quick when it's about to go through a tunnel.

3: I want to go into Mexico and then pay a coyote to smuggle me back into the states. Just to see what it's like. And the best part is: if we get caught, I'm a US citizen. I didn't actually do anything illegal.

4: I want to design a costume and go out at night and secretly beat up guys who abuse their kids or wives. I guess it's not a secret anymore. Shhhh, don't tell.

5: I want to buy and old car and rebuild it so it looks like a giant roller skate.

6: I want to make a movie about my life where everything is extremely exaggerated. And I think Jack Black should play me. And I'm best friends with Mr. T.

7: I want be friends with a robot.

8: I want to walk down the entire west coast, with a handkerchief on a stick and a pocket full of dreams. Meeting people and causing trouble.

9: I want to go out treasure hunting. Or maybe go look for D.B. Cooper's money.

10: I want to get another motorcycle, start a little motorcycle gang and take a cross country trip on our hogs. And maybe save a small town from a bigger, meaner motorcycle gang while we're at it.

11: I want to go bull-slapping.

12: I want to to win first prize with something I entered into a state fair.

13: I want to run a marathon.

14: I want to go to a really famous museum and touch one of the exhibits.

15: I want to get kicked out of somewhere for not wearing pants. Anywhere: the movies, Denny's, Barnes & Noble.

16: I want to sneak onto a Hollywood movie lot by wearing elaborate disguises and then get chased all through different sets by security.

17: I want to beat up a midget in self defense.

18: I want to have to smuggle a monkey somewhere. I don't care where. Maybe through airport security or into Disneyland or out of the the Zoo.

19: I want to take a whole bunch of pictures of myself in wacky poses and just send them to 100 random addresses all over the country with SASE's enclosed. Just to see if I get anything back.

20: I want to walk halfway across a casino floor and then break into a dead sprint to see how long it takes for security to tackle me. I'm guessing... 12 seconds. Who wants the over/under?

I'm sure I could do this all night. That's just the way my brain works. If I had a nickle for every time I went, "Oooo, you know what I should do?!" I'd have a lot of nickles. Now it's just a race to do as much of this crap as I can before I die. Who's with me?

28 Weeks 0 Days: Scary In More Than One Way

I don't know about Halloween. A lot of people know that I'm not a big holiday guy. There is a part of me who thinks I shouldn't celebrate holidays that are based on a religion I don't practice. If people who are not christian celebrate the birth of christ, why don't they just go ahead and start celebrating Hanukkah or Kwanzaa? Oh right, because it's really about buying shit and getting shit. And that's where my biggest problem with holidays comes in: It's what people have turned them into. Christmas is just a big orgy of buying crap to the point that people put themselves into debt over it. Thanksgiving isn't about being thankful. I've cooked food for people on Thanksgiving and its, "I don't like that and I only eat this and you should have made this..." By the way, YOU'RE WELCOME!

Yesterday I needed a new shop vac. Mine died, so I went down to the Fred Meyer to pick one up and it was packed full of last minute shoppers trying to get candy and costume supplies. It was insane. And now that Halloween is over I can't set foot in a store. The Christmas season has completely destroyed any idea of going shopping. Because people become assholes around Christmas. People are miserable, everywhere is crowded and the people are just looking out for themselves. People have gotten trampled in attempts to buy toys or get into sales. Merry fucking Christmas!

All of them: Valentines Day is another attempt to sell shit. And you are obligated to tell your significant other that you love them on Valentines day or it means you don't. Screw you! I won't be dictated as to how or when I love someone. The 4th of July isn't about freedom. Do you think anyone is thinking about our freedom while they light off fireworks? No, they just want to light off fireworks. They light off the fireworks while our president signs a bill to start wiretapping people without a warrant. GO FREEDOM!

Now I've realized that Halloween has been taken too. Not just the crowds, they were actually much better then the Christmas crowds. It's the fear. It's the fact that we get 1 trick or treater because everyone else takes their kid down to the mall to trick or treat because its "safer". Back in the day (which was a Wednesday), people used to make cookies or caramel apples to give out. Not anymore! Some crazy will poison the candy! It happens all the time... Doesn't it?

The answer is no. There was one, I will repeat, ONE documented case of a kid being poisoned by Halloween candy and it turned out to be the kids own parent. In 1974 a man put cyanide in pixie sticks (pre-packaged candy) in order to collect the insurance money from the policy he had placed on his son. You may find a second death, but it was determined that that kid got into his father's heroin stash the day after Halloween and over-dosed. So they sprinkled some on a piece of candy to try to make it look like it was a stranger, but heroin junkies aren't too smart and the police figured it out. Then ever since, a whack-job poisoning candy has been the reason for countless sick kids and every one of them turned out to be caused by something else. That's the beauty of our news, they play the breaking story over and over, "DUMP OUT YOUR CANDY IT'S POISONED!!!" Then when the investigations done, the story is cold and they never broadcast the results. So please, next year, let your kid go out and trick or treat. Make some candy apples and give them to the kids. Have fun.

And I know what you're saying, "What if..." Well, "what if you get in a horrible car accident" doesn't stop you from driving. Actually, you strap your kid in a car seat and do one of the most dangerous activities every day. As you should. Nobody should live life based on "what if". Because it's not rational. You have a 1 in 75 chance of dying in a car accident (and there's no way you'd stop driving) and the odds of a kid getting poisoned candy from a stranger are... Well, there aren't any odds because it's never happened. NEVER HAPPENED!!! But you're still afraid of it.

Look, I'm just trying to make this world a happier place. Yes, you could get attacked if you go out and yes, your kid could get hurt if it does certain activities. But do we really want to be huddle inside all the time asking ourselves "what if"? And where does it end? Can he swim? He might drown. Can he go to school? He might be in a school shooting. Can she go on a date? She might get raped. Can he learn to drive? He might get in an accident. Can he go to church? He might get molested.

Just live. Take a deep breath and just live.

27 Weeks 3 Days: Our Economy Must Have A Facebook Page

Dear Facebook,

It cannot be a coincidence that your popularity has grown as the economy has fallen. You are sucking so much productivity out of our society we will soon have nothing left. Please stop destroying the world.

Sincerely,

Jiles