21 Weeks 6 Days: A Shotgun And A Shovel

So, we found out last week that we are going to have a girl. I do like the idea of having a daughter but we are definitely going to need to start a bank account with a reserve fund just for legal fees for myself. It's almost guaranteed that I will eventually beat the crap out of some loser teenage boy for getting a little too gropey with my daughter. And in this day and age of parents suing everybody over their kids' bad behavior, I'm sure to end up in court more than once.

But it's a small price to pay to be that dad that scares the living shit out of all your kids' friends. And it seems especially more satisfying to be that dad that makes teenage boys afraid to date a certain girl because when you come by the house to meet her parents, the first thing the dad does is take the boy into the garage to show him his shotgun and his shovel... And I'll be that crazy dad that provides his daughter with all sorts of weapons and teaches her how to use them, because nothing drives me crazy more than person who is victimized because they just didn't know what to do. Seeing a woman in a traumatic situation who is just curled up in a ball screaming is retarded. FIGHT BACK! Here's how you get out of a choke hold, then you give him a swift kick in the nuts, get your retractile asp that daddy got you for your birthday out and hit him as hard as you can on the back of the neck. Not only did you save yourself from getting raped, you can now laugh every time you see his sorry ass try to get up a flight of stairs in his WHEEL CHAIR!

Not that I want my child to be paranoid. I grew up with, "don't go out at night because their are crazy people all over the place," when 99% of the time you are perfectly safe. But at least be prepared for something. Have a little knowledge of defense and don't freeze up and at least make an effort. And if you are a couple that is having a boy sometime in the near future, know this: If your son does anything inappropriate with my daughter, I will smack him around. And god forbid he do something worse like rape, I will use my sledge hammer on his junk then I will shoot him in the face. And I might shoot you in the face as well for raising him like that. Then My family and I will start our early retirement in Panama...