The Way I Am

I was 5 years old when my parents divorced. My dad was much more concerned with himself, his stuff and his image than his children. He had visitations every other weekend but a lot of times he wouldn't show up. After couple of years my mother wanted to move us from Califonia to Washington which is normally a big custody no-no. But my mom threatened to take half his business if he didn't let her move us, so he caved. his money was more important to him then us. Then there were sporadic calls and maybe three visits for the rest of our childhoods. One time he called and asked if I was going to be the wrong age in the wrong month. The guy didn't even know when my birthday was. He died when I was 17. He died without knowing anything about his two children. He died with two children who didn't give a crap about him and knew that the feeling was mutual. Occasionally he would send us money or try to buy our love somehow, but my sister and I could see right through that. He was a selfish person who had helped create two life's and didn't give a shit about them.

This was what I struggled with growing up. Why didn't my dad love me? How could somebody have a son and not care about them at all? How could he just disregard me like that? I started driving myself crazy convincing myself that I apparently wasn't worth his love. Drinking was one of the few things that made the thoughts go away. And of course I was turning into an alcoholic which made me believe that it was my lot in life to turn out just like him. Drink and put myself into financial trouble and eventually die young.

I eventually stopped drinking and had to really struggle to come to terms with my issues with my father. And things have been much better, but it's not like they ever went away. If you people only knew the amount of shit that's going on inside my head. It's like a crowded room of noise that follows me around 24/7. Sometimes it keeps me up at night and sometimes I sleep through it but it translates into horrible nightmares. They're nightmares that I don't really talk about. Before Elliott was born they would mainly be of myself being hunted down by something unknown. Something was after me and I couldn't get away no matter what I did. I could just barely stay one step ahead of it and I couldn't stop and I couldn't rest, I had to keep running. Other times I would have nightmares that my sister was being beaten or killed by somebody. Sometimes my mom's old abusive boyfriend who lived with us for many years after the divorce. Either that or she'd be being beaten by someone cloaked in darkness. Now my nightmares have shifted to me dying and leaving my family alone or, as much as I hate to say it, of me killing the baby. And not in accidental ways, I have nightmares of me intentionally killing Elliott. I don't know why or what that means but I can tell you that I have never experienced a single waking moment where I have wanted anything bad to happen to him. Not even when he's fussing and crying. I actually think his little sad face is cute.

So now that you all realize that I'm shit-nuts, I'll continue my story.

I worked on my issues with my dad a lot. I've struggled with depression and still do but things were much better and I was really coming to terms with my dad basically telling me to fuck off. The only problem is that I did this stuff before I had a son. Now that I have a son of my own I am driving myself crazy again trying to figure out how you could just abandon him. How is that act possible?!?! So I find myself having a hard time getting attached to him because the more I do, the more I don't get my dad. And of course I tell myself, "my dad was just broken." He was a broken person. But I'm not fully functioning myself. Hell, I dream about killing my kid. We all have some defects. But of course I do get more attached to him and I love him more and more every day. I can think there is no way that I could ever love this little guy any more, there is not any more love in the entire world, I'm using it all up on him right now; but the the next day you realize that yesterday you were wrong. And the loving of my son makes me happy, but the shit in my head kicks up a notch and I'm right back where I was.

I hate sounding like some whiny famous person on celebrity rehab with Dr. Drew. "Whaa, whaa, daddy didn't love me enough." I'm not the kind of guy that needs to be showered with affection, but nothing at all? It's just something I can't wrap my head around.

So if anyone wants to know why I am the way I am? Good luck. This might give you a hint but really who knows. And anyone who thinks I should act a different way or do things differently, I don't have the time or energy to deal with making you happy. I have enough on my hands with own shit. Honestly, you're lucky that I am not 10 times worse than I am. I really do have to work hard at being as non-offensive as I am right now. The rest of the time I'm telling all the other people in my head to shut up. But they don't and they probably never will.

Fathers Day

My birthday happened recently. You know what I did? Nothing. I never do anything for my birthday because I don't care. But I still get cards in the mail and people still call me on the phone. I realized the other day that now I have father's day to look forward to (that's sarcasm). So just because I impregnated my wife I'm going to get more cards in the mail and people will call me on the phone. And I just don't care. I have the baby right here in front of me, I don't need to be reminded that I'm a father. People need to realize that the greatest gift anyone can give me is to just leave me alone. Where other people get upset if you forget their birthday or don't say happy father's day, I am the opposite. I am disappointed when the phone rings. I just want to be left alone. And greeting card are a waste of trees and money, but no matter how much I tell people that, they just send them anyway. Because it's ingrained in people's heads that you're supposed to send a greeting card to people. Hallmark has people trained like the dogs we are. So here's one more shot at this: don't send me anything, don't call me to wish me a happy anything, don't plan a party for me, don't buy me a present. The best gift you can get me is the gift of silence.

Growing Up In This World...

Nato Airstrike Kills 27 Civilians (including children). This on top of last week when a Nato forces mistakenly killed 5 civilians, a Nato airstike missed it's target and killed 7 policemen, and last December Nato mistakenly killed 10 school children. Way to go saving the world from crazy terrorists who would travel to foreign countries and kill innocent people... Oh, wait.

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/afghanistan/article7035978.ece

And a Baby Makes Three

Things are going well with the baby. He's still in that stage where he sleeps a lot so we've been able to catch up on sleep after our week long ordeal. HE's also really calm when he's awake. He's not a big crier. He cries a little when he's hungry but otherwise he just sits there and stares at everything. I think he's fascinated by my beard. I think he thinks he has a mom and a grizzly bear as parents. Then sometimes the dog gets in his face and I wonder if he thinks it's me. Babies don't have very good eye sight so you never know.

We did take the baby back to the hospital for a jaundice follow up because his yellowness was getting worse but they told us his bilirubin levels were actually lower so that's good. Thank god for Oregon Health Plan. I can't imagine if we had to pay for that out of our pockets. I mean, we really wanted a natural birth but you can't predict the future and I'm glad we are covered for what happened, plus the baby having jaundice. I mean even if the natural birth happened without a hitch he would have still had jaundice, had to go to the hospital and go under the lights. So anything can happen. Not to mention if there is some complication before the baby is born. It's just better to be safe than sorry. I'm not one to take government assistance, but at least I've paid into that system. Not like a guy I knew who's family just lived off the government and never really contribute to society. He said "They can't get a job, then they will lose their assistance." What a bunch of leeches. At least Krystal and I have worked hard and contributed to society.

I found the cloth diapers very very easy to use and they are not much work at all to wash. I don't why more people don't use them. We do have a big utility sink right next to our washing machine so I guess I will give other people the benifit of the doubt if they don't have that. I'm sure it makes it easier, but still, not that much work. I couldn't imagine paying disposable diapers. We'd be broke... Or broker than we already are. Seriously we'd be bankrupt.

We also bought a jeep baby carrier (baby backpack) to replace the piece of shit Baby Bjorn we had. Why are those things so popular? That thing had to be the most poorly designed piece of garbage I've ever owned. There were buttons that you pushed to release straps under the baby while it was sitting in it. I couldn't stand it. It was nearly impossible to get the baby in and out of it. It sucked. So we got a Jeep baby carrier and I love it. All the adjustments are easy to get to. the baby sits in it really well without it squishing the baby into my chest. Very happy with it.

It looks like things are going to start getting very busy at work. I have a few upcoming jobs now plus a couple bids out plus an engineer working on a couple plans for future jobs. So it's time to work a couple weekends and put some money in the bank and then we can go up and visit the family. If their good.

Welcome Home Baby

He's finally home..