22 Weeks 6 Days: Don't Bite The Hand...

Dear Baby,

Power tools are dangerous.

Sincerely,

Dad






So, yes. I cut the tip of my finger off with a circular saw. The homeowner where I was working had to take me to the emergency room where the sewed it back on. And then they will be sending me a bill. Who knows how much that will be. $10,000. Maybe a million? And then I have to go back and pay a doctor to remove the stitches. Of course my inexpensive doctor said he could do it, but I'm thinking about just doing it myself. Snip snip, pull. Snip, snip, pull. It's not rocket science. Which makes it so frustrating that these doctors charge so much. Some of these procedures are really simple.

And of course, not only did the hospital cost me money, but it backed up my workload so I had to reschedule a lot of work this week for next week and I'll be making less money. So it double screwed me. I guess I'll be more careful around power tools from now on.

21 Weeks 6 Days: A Shotgun And A Shovel

So, we found out last week that we are going to have a girl. I do like the idea of having a daughter but we are definitely going to need to start a bank account with a reserve fund just for legal fees for myself. It's almost guaranteed that I will eventually beat the crap out of some loser teenage boy for getting a little too gropey with my daughter. And in this day and age of parents suing everybody over their kids' bad behavior, I'm sure to end up in court more than once.

But it's a small price to pay to be that dad that scares the living shit out of all your kids' friends. And it seems especially more satisfying to be that dad that makes teenage boys afraid to date a certain girl because when you come by the house to meet her parents, the first thing the dad does is take the boy into the garage to show him his shotgun and his shovel... And I'll be that crazy dad that provides his daughter with all sorts of weapons and teaches her how to use them, because nothing drives me crazy more than person who is victimized because they just didn't know what to do. Seeing a woman in a traumatic situation who is just curled up in a ball screaming is retarded. FIGHT BACK! Here's how you get out of a choke hold, then you give him a swift kick in the nuts, get your retractile asp that daddy got you for your birthday out and hit him as hard as you can on the back of the neck. Not only did you save yourself from getting raped, you can now laugh every time you see his sorry ass try to get up a flight of stairs in his WHEEL CHAIR!

Not that I want my child to be paranoid. I grew up with, "don't go out at night because their are crazy people all over the place," when 99% of the time you are perfectly safe. But at least be prepared for something. Have a little knowledge of defense and don't freeze up and at least make an effort. And if you are a couple that is having a boy sometime in the near future, know this: If your son does anything inappropriate with my daughter, I will smack him around. And god forbid he do something worse like rape, I will use my sledge hammer on his junk then I will shoot him in the face. And I might shoot you in the face as well for raising him like that. Then My family and I will start our early retirement in Panama...

21 Weeks 4 Days: AMERICA! F**K YEAH!

Dear Baby,

You are an American. I know it comes as a shocker since your mom and my distant, distant relatives once lived in Ireland, England and Germany, but no that doesn't make you Irish, British or German. You will be born in America, your parents were born in America, your grandparents were born in America, Your great grandparents were born in America and at least some if not all of your great, great Grandparents were born in America. I think there is enough lineage there to savely label you an American.

And I'm no super patriot shouting, "America! Fuck Yeah!" in the streets or anything, but there are way to many people who call themselves some other nationality than American when they are in no way that nationality. I use Irish as an example because I run into more Americans who tell people they are "Irish" than anyone else. Irish culture is cool. I'd like to go to Ireland some day and maybe learn some more about my roots. But I'm not an Irishman. If you weren't born in a country, never been there, parents never been then, grandparents never been there, then you aren't Irish. And I wonder what the Irish people (the real Irish people who currently live in Ireland) think of all the Americans who claim to be "Irish" when they aren't from Ireland. I bet they think you people are retards.

I feel the same way about people who call themselves Jews because they're heritage includes some Jewish people, but they in no way follow the religion. Jewish isn't a race, it's a religion. If you don't believe in the religion, you're not Jewish. Dark hair and a big nose don't automatically qualify you. Those people just want to be able to be involved in a group of people who suffered hard times. They are the people who don't belive in Judaism, but are constantly referring to themselves as a "Jew". Seriously, SHUT UP!

So, I'm going to tell you right now baby, you are an American. That is your nationality. Your distant ancestors are from a handful of European countries and if you want to learn more about them, there's nothing wrong with that. Learning stuff is a good thing. And I'll show you any info I have found about my ancestors. But please, don't plan on getting a giant clover leaf tattoo and start telling everyone that you are Irish because you're not. As much as America can suck at times, that's your country and you should be proud of that. We may not be perfect, but as a nation, we've done some good things.

19 Weeks 4 Days: Be Cool, Stay Home From School

Today in the paper there is an article about some conservatives who are keeping their kids home from school because the President is going to address the kid in public schools (which is completely voluntary to the school). Of course, these wack jobs think that Obama is trying to get to the children with his socialist message. In reality, he's doing a generic, "work hard, stay in school" speech which many President's have done before him. And I think it's fitting that the dumbest people on the planet find the education portion of school less important that their crazy conspiracy theory. They are so focused on hating the President that pulling their kid out of school and denying them a days worth of education is a good idea.

And they're using the public school system! You know, one of those government run programs that they hate so much? They're using them! They're using government paid, public schools, but don't want the president to address their children. Of course these are the same people who want the public school system to teach creationism... Again, these people obviously got as good an education as they are providing for their children. Their parents probably pulled them out of school the day they let coloreds integrate... "I ain't be wantin' my dang ol' kid in school with no dang darky!!!" They'll probably use the time off of school to plan more segregated proms like in Charleston Mississippi which had it's first integrated prom in 2008! (to much resistance!)

I don't want to generalize, these people aren't all rednecks. One of the places listed in the article with complaints was Utah. Right, Utah. We'd rather spend the day at home brainwashing our kids into believing that Polygamy is okay. Or we're just going to use the day out of school to sell our 14 year old daughter to a middle aged man with 4 other wives.

You people need to be put down, because I guarantee it's not the president who's the biggest problem in our country.

Read the article here

19 Weeks 2 Days: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!

Dear Baby,

Don't bother watching the news. It's all bullshit. Today the headlines read, "Swine Flu May Be Less Dangerous Than Predicted". Yeah, you think? Just like the Bird Flu. That was supposed to kill millions and destroy the country... And nothing happened. Or like Y2K was supposed to crash all computers and destroy the country... And nothing happened.

Everything in the news is always the worst possible situation ever and WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! Unless we buy something to fix it. The news is owned by giant corporations that sell stuff and it's much easier to sell stuff to people who are living in fear. If you're told you should buy something because it will save your life, you're more likely to do it. You don't need a vaccination or most of these identity guard deals or a pre-made disaster preparedness kit. Those are just things people are selling to you as a means of cashing in on your fear. We're all doing alright despite what the news says.